Posted CGGS Newsletter 31 - 24 October 2008

Under Pressure: How the epidemic of hyper-parenting is endangering childhood

By Carl Honore

“If things could come from nothing, time would not be of the essence…we know that all things grow, little by little, as indeed they must, from their essential nature.”

Lucretius, first century AD

Carl Honore has written a brilliant book about parenting.  In essence, it is about finding (and living) that fine line between caring about and not interfering in a young person’s development.

Some of the well researched chapters in Under Pressure include:

Preschool: Play is a Child’s Work
Toys: Just Push Play
Technology: Reality Bites
Discipline: Just Say No?
Extracurricular Activities: Ready, Set, Relax!
Consumerism: Pester Power and the Walking, Talking ATM

The book’s major premise is that parents today put themselves under pressure to not only be ‘good enough’, but exceptional, parents – a natural inclination when you want the best for your offspring.  But the fact is that this approach can backfire.  As role models for their children, parents’ unrealistic expectations of themselves are putting young people under enormous pressure, and the pressure is taking its toll.  Some examples follow.

Honore reports that in The Price of Privilege, San Francisco psychologist Madeline Levine found that children from families whose annual income falls between US$120,000 and $160,000 are three times more likely to become depressed or anxious than their less affluent peers. 

Social problems are emerging as well.  While the digital age has its advantages, and parents think they must provide the latest technology for their families (and have all of it turned on all of the time), evidence is emerging that there is a downside.  With so many hours being spent on texting, MySpace, msn, mobiles, etc, the “number of teenagers who say they have no best friend in whom to confide rose from under one in eight to nearly one in five” between 1986 and 2006.  Technology cannot replace people.  

Instead, parents want to be their child’s best friend, according to nearly half of the parents who were recently surveyed, by Honore.  These parents find it difficult to be disciplinarians when they need to be.  It is difficult for them to say “no.”  Some parents think that saying “no” limits young people, when, in fact children need to know where the boundaries are to feel safe.  In short, knowing where the boundaries are provides youngsters with a solid grounding pad from which to launch their next adventure.

As a final example, pressure on young people to gain entrance into well-regarded universities appears to be leading to cheating.  Last year, “officials revealed that…applicants to Oxford and Cambridge had embellished their application forms with material taken from the Web”…with 234 applicants citing “word for word the same example – ‘burning a hole in my pyjamas at age eight’ – as a formative experience.” 

While Honore gives many evidenced-based examples about what can go awry in the most difficult task of raising children, he also outlines many positive ways to parent; encourages parents to trust their instincts; reminds parents of life’s priorities; and in the words of British psychoanalyst D W Winnicott, gives parents permission to be, not exceptional, but “good enough”.

Under Pressure:  How the epidemic of hyper-parenting is endangering childhood is the Junior School’s Book of the Month and can be browsed at the Parent Noticeboard.

Paula Morelli
Sharon Prendergast
Julie Smith 

School Counsellors

Posted in CGGS Newsletter 24 - 22 August 2008

CYBER BULLYING

Our last Newsletter submission focused on Relational Aggression, the type of bullying most often used by girls in their relationships with one another. This week we would like to look more closely at the issue of Cyber Bullying and the online behaviour of teenagers.

Definition: Cyber bullying is the use of electronic information and communication devices such as

e-mail, chat rooms, text, blogs, mobile phones, pagers and websites to bully or otherwise harass an individual or group through personal attacks or other means. It may constitute a computer crime.

Incidence: In a study of 120 Queensland Year 8 students over a quarter said they knew someone who had been bullied by technology, whilst a British study found that one in four children reported being bullied online or by mobile phone. Other studies conducted in the US, the UK and Australia have found lower rates of reported bullying ranging from 7% to 14%, with most targets reporting texting as the main form of bullying followed by chat rooms and then email.

With the number of adolescents who have access to internet and mobile phones expected to rise to over one million, it is reasonable to predict that the number of incidents of cyber bullying will rise also. Over half the students in a Brisbane study reported that they thought cyber bullying was increasing. Finally, in the case of cyber bullying it seems that girls could be more involved than boys, as they are more likely to communicate regularly by email and texting.

Issues Unique to Cyber Bullying: When considering the impact and experience of bullying behaviour there are a number of features particular to cyber bullying that are worthy of special consideration.  Firstly in many cases it is possible to arrange the technology so that it is difficult to determine the identity of aggressors. This anonymity may also mean that individuals feel less constrained by social norms and therefore may do and say things through technology that they would not have the courage or inclination to do face to face. With cyber bullying there is also the potential for a much wider audience to be aware of the incident. For example, emails can be forwarded and websites can be created that endless numbers of people may visit. The sense of humiliation and hurt may be far more public and potentially more profound.

A further aspect of cyber bullying which sets it apart from other forms of bullying is the 24/7 nature of the means of bullying.  Access to individuals through mobile phones, texting and email is unlimited which can mean finding respite from the behaviour is difficult.  In shutting off avenues for receiving bullying messages, the individual is also having to shut down avenues for communicating and staying connected generally. Finally, electronic forums often lack supervision as messages sent between users are only viewable by the sender and recipient.  Increasingly, computers and phones are placed and used in private environments such as adolescent’s bedrooms, where adult supervision is less likely to occur.

What Can Parents Do?

• Become aware and educated about cyber bullying methods. Learn everything you can about information and communication technologies and how your child is using them. 
• Consider the location of information technologies in your house and whether it facilitates easy access for supervision.  The location of the computer in the house has a major impact on whether, and how well, parent’s monitor online activity. Over half of all computers are located in ‘non-social’ rooms such as bedrooms or home offices.
• Talk with your children about online behaviour and your expectations.  Discuss responsible use.  Teach them never to post or say anything that they wouldn’t want the whole world –including you – to see or read.  Create a contract or agreement with clear rules about ethical behaviour and an agreement about the consequences for breaching the contract.
• Help children to understand the power and impact of the written word, as opposed to the spoken word. Written words seem more concrete and in the case of websites, emails, texts etc the targeted students can read what has been written over and over thereby potentially compounding the distress and harm.
• Encourage your children to come to you if anybody says or does anything that makes them feel uncomfortable or threatened. Stay calm and keep the lines of communication and trust open.
• Work with your child’s school to take a consistent, clear approach to online behaviour.  Be aware of the school’s policies on bullying, cyber bullying and online behaviour. Communicate any concerns you have about online behaviour or cyber bullying, which may also be occurring at school, to staff within the school.

Sharon Prendergast and Julie Smith
Senior School Counsellors
Paula Morelli
Junior School Counsellor

Please click here to return to CGGS Newsletter 24 - 22 August 2008

Posted CGGS Newsletter No 21  -1 August 2008

Relational Aggression

Relational aggression, or the type of bullying used more often by girls, is the use of relationships to hurt another. That means, instead of punching another girl with fists, words or gestures will be used to make her feel bad.  Relational aggression is often quiet and insidious and is therefore hard to identify and report. It includes behaviors such as spreading gossip, exclusion, manipulation, intimidation, teasing, taunting, harassing, name calling, starting and circulating rumours and starting or joining a clique.

There is a large body of research which attests to the harmful effects of all forms of bullying, including relational aggression.  Researchers have found children who are subjected to relational aggression are more likely to experience higher levels of depression and loneliness, anxiety and low self esteem. In addition, children who act through relationally aggressive means to achieve outcomes in relationships develop a poor set of interpersonal skills, which are likely to limit their ability to form positive, mutually respectful relationships in the future.

The Ophelia Project is an American national, non-profit organisation which was set up to serve youth and adults affected by relational and other non-physical forms of aggression. Their mission is to participate in training, research and the provision of resources and advice to communities wishing to create safe social environments. In their view a safe social environment is one in which “people are protected, respected, encouraged and held accountable for their actions.  It also fosters inclusion, healthy relationships and civility.”  The Ophelia Project’s top priority with relational aggression is prevention. “Children and adolescents need to be taught how to establish and maintain healthy relationships. ….Teaching and role modelling healthy, constructive belief systems regarding social interactions, forgiveness and empathy all appear to be important components in building healthy, constructive relationships.”

www.opheliaproject.org

So, how can we as parents and carers, best guide children and teens around relational aggression. Here are some suggestions:

1) Invite accountability for their behaviour      

Don’t hesitate to call them up on it and name the behaviours that are relationally aggressive.

2) Help children/teens to develop their capacity to ‘self soothe’

Help them to recognise and take responsibility for feelings such as jealousy, anxiety and disappointment and encourage them to develop strategies to calm themselves down and manage their feelings.

3) Help them develop empathy

Help them take the other person’s perspective: to recognise others’ sadness, hurt or dejection, identify with their distress, and know how to extend kindness.  Recognise that at times it takes a lot of courage to demonstrate kindness within a social group which is engaged in hostility and conflict.

4) Discourage rumination

Help teens to develop coping skills that do not involve others.  Adolescent preoccupation with relationships can create a breeding ground for relational aggression over and over again.      

5) Nurture a strong sense of identity

As early as possible sow the seeds of a strong  sense of identity based on personal characteristics, talents, interests and efforts - not just based on their successes, or their connection to others, image, looks etc.

6) Accept your child’s fallibility

Understand that the social group is a different interpersonal sphere to that of the family, and in that different environment with all its pressures, children may make different decisions to those that you might hope they make. Find ways to accept this and help them to consider the implications of her choices.

7) Interrupt Relational aggression Behaviours.

Teach children/teens strategies for quickly challenging malicious statements and gossip.  Possibly teach and role-play the use of specific statements and comments.

8) Teach assertiveness and problem solving

Help children become more assertive and straight forward in resolving interpersonal difficulties. Role-play how they can respond (so they stand up for themselves, communicate their feelings respectfully, and ask for what they want clearly)

9) Be a good role model

Be aware you are providing a role model for your child for social skills. Reflect on your own social skills, responses in social situations, and ability to handle different types of social interactions (eg conflict) and what that might model to your child.

10) Provide opportunities and access to groups of kids outside the school environment

School social environments can be, at times, very hierarchical, static social webs.  Other group affiliations eg sports teams, orchestras, choirs, drama clubs, camps, art classes may be less socially complicated and more open.

11) Provide guidance and support around friendship choices

Friendship transitions are normal, but can be very difficult.   Discuss and role-play kind, clear and assertive behaviours around this issue.   Encourage children to reflect on the qualities of real friendship: loyalty, tolerance, trust, understanding, shared laughs and passions – and to be discriminating about ‘popularity’.

Julie Smith
Senior School Counsellor

Click here to return to CGGS Newsletter No 21 - 1 August 2008  

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Posted CGGS Newsletter No. 16 - 6 June 2008

The following is a summary of the information presented by Sharon Prendergast  (Senior School Counsellor) at the Year 8 Information Night on Monday 26 May.  A list of resources we recommend to parents is at the end of the handout.

Parent Information Evening Year 7 into Year 8 in 2009

Presented by Sharon Prendergast, Senior School Counsellor

What can parents do to help (and survive): Tips to Assist

1. Be informed.  Read up on adolescence and the issues facing your daughter and her friends.  Then share your knowledge with your daughter to show that you are open to talking about the issues.
2. Negotiate the rules.  Draw up together as early as possible rules that relate to her safety, clearly defining the boundaries and what are the consequences and rewards attached to breaking and keeping the rules.
3. Work at improving and maintaining communication with your daughter. Talk less and listen more.  Avoid lecturing, nagging, pleading and criticising.
4. Maintain family rituals.  Rituals, eg family dinner, family time on weekends etc. provide opportunities for you to connect and often create a haven for teens away from the rough and tumble of the peer world.
5. Know your daughters friends.  Be involved with her friends and know who their parents are. Talk to them and compare stories.  Don’t ever accept the line “but everyone is allowed to do it”.
6. Encourage you child to participate in healthy risk taking activities. For example, sports, dance, drama.
7. Keep the computer in an open household area and watch over their MSN activities.  Limit MSN time and consider monitoring MSN content.
8. Focus on the positives and be positive in your interactions with her.  Decide what you want her to do and then state it in positive terms; tell her what you want, not what you don’t want.
9. Don’t be a doormat. To protect our own space, belongings, items, money and dignity parents need to have a notion of ourselves as a separate human beings and a sense of worth and self respect.  This is necessary not only for our own mental health but to model these qualities for our children.
10. Be around the house as much as possible. Even if your daughter doesn’t want to talk, your physical presence is a comfort.
11. Focus on who she is and what she does, rather than how she looks.  Help her to develop a sense of competence and confidence not based on how she looks.  Help her to establish ‘body comfort’.
12. Make sure she is getting enough sleep.  According to recent US research, the average teenager needs 8-9 hours sleep.

Good books, websites and movies to watch:

• Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence by Rachel Wiseman – An essential read for all parents of daughters.
• The Princess Bitchface Syndrome by Michael Carr-Gregg.  Highly recommended, offers a great deal of information and strategies for parents of adolescent girls.
• Surviving Adolescents: The must have manual for all parents by Michael Carr-Gregg. A light-hearted and easy read, with some good tips.
• How to talk so Teens will listen and Listen so Teens will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.   Outlines principals and strategies which can be applied to improving communication with an adolescent.
• http://www.michaelcarr-gregg.com.au/ – Many articles and advice for parents as well as young people. Links to other well regarded websites.
• http://www.reachout.com.au/home.asp – A website for young people with a wealth of information on all areas of concern for the adolescent. A good read for parents and a website to alert your child to.
• www.netalert.net.au - A website funded by the Federal Government which has been designed to provide parents and kids with information and strategies for using the internet safely.  Highly recommended, offers many resources and suggestions for parents.
• Mean Girls (A movie based on the book Queen Bees and Wannabees). Most girls of this age agree that whilst this movie may be a slight exaggeration or a bit ‘American’ it holds true to their experience. Watch it together with your daughter.

Sharon Prendergast
School Counsellor

Please click here to return to CGGS Newsletter No. 16 - 6 June 2008

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Posted CGGS Newsletter No. 12 - 9 May 2008

Helping our Teens find Passion in Life

Last year I had the opportunity to listen to a taped presentation of a workshop entitled helping Breaking through to Teens by Dr Ron Tafel, a New York based adolescent Psychologist. Tafel forwarded a number of ideas about the importance of helping teens find a passion in their life.  Tafel has written extensively on the role of the second family ie the peer group and popular culture in the lives of teens. He observes “the kiddie culture has defined passion - to be enthusiastic about learning - to mean that you are not cool. TV, magazines, movies, music lyrics and middle and high school cliques typically portray kids with passion as geeks; they are rarely in the cool crowd”.  

Tafel strongly advocates the importance of teens having a passion to buffer against the more destructive elements of the second family culture. He argues that a passion generally requires teens to have an ongoing relationship with an adult mentor, such as a coach or teacher and it necessitates pre booking large blocks of time and a willingness to stick with rigid rules. This all runs counter to the second family culture, which is often predicated on notions of spontaneity, loyalty only to the second family group, and disconnection from adults. It also requires teens to work with a diverse group of kids who share the same passion, thereby teaching them qualities of openness, cooperation and tolerance for difference. 

Tafel also discusses the importance of passion in the development of the teen’s sense of identity and maturity. Passions often allows kids to express aspects of themselves which may otherwise lie dormant. It provides avenues for kids to define themselves in healthy, socially acceptable ways and to develop an identity and reputation for themselves around the pursuit of their passion. Developing competence in their area of passion increases self confidence and esteem, and of course, strength and confidence in one area of life carries over to other areas.    The other significant benefit of passion in the lives of teens is that it generally gives their family a shared focus and an avenue for connection. Parents are often required to transport, assist and be an audience to activities, and this provides then with an invaluable opening into the lives of their teen children. This again, runs counter to the popular culture notion for teens that if they are to be cool and independent, adults should have limited or no access to their lives.

Common sources of passion and interest for teens are sports, the performing arts, art and technology, writing, debating and speaking, hobbies, a social cause or volunteer work. Often these are interests which teens have picked up in childhood and continued to pursue into adolescence. Anecdotally, however, we know that the transition from primary to secondary schooling often marks a time when many children drop off interests or activities they have enjoyed in childhood. Many parents feel discouraged and disappointed when they see this shift in their child. They often feel helpless to do anything about it and in the end accept it as a part of their child growing up. As parents and adults we need to remain firmly committed to guiding teens towards their passions, and model for them the importance of commitment and persistence. 

Carol Adrienne author of The Purpose of Your Life suggests the following activities to help teens identify where their passion may lie.

1. Write down several things you love to do. If you had the choice of what kinds of things you would do for a day what would you pick.

2. Finish this sentence “When I was a little kid I always loved to………”

3. Finish the sentence “I shine at…..”

4. Pay attention to you thoughts, daydreams and interests.  Write down everything that interests you for a week.

5.  Finish the sentence “I am most myself when….”

6.  Review your high points. What activities or situations in the past really excited you?

7.  Describe someone you admire.

8.  What do you keep being drawn to?

We need to listen to teens and what they are expressing about their interests. We need to ensure they have opportunities both within school and outside to pursue their interests and celebrate their achievements. We need to make time to find out about their passion and be an audience to them. Finally, we need to recognise that their passions will not always be our passions, have a tolerance for this difference and a willingness to be curious and interested in aspects of their lives that they are passionate about.

Julie Smith
Senior School Counsellor 

Please click here to return to CGGS Newsletter No. 12 -9 May 2008

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